And so the summer begins...

How odd that I only blog in the summer but it appears to be the theme so here it goes....the truth is I've wanted to write for a week. For a week I have welcomed summer. One week ago, I finished all my course work and read my very first "fun read" for the summer.
For the past two weeks, I have adjusted to my "Summer schedule" which consists of eight to five days lunch breaks and evenings to enjoy. I entered the summer with perspective, ambition, hope, expectation and a calender filled with goals projects and events, the combination of which I hoped would grow me into the person I hoped to become. Yet, the in the business I didn't have to face the realities my heart was experiencing. I was thankful to be helping friends pack and move and plan because in doing so my mind had little time to unwind or process the past three weeks. They have been huge. In the past twenty one days, I have said good-bye to friends so dear, pages have been turned on seasons of life and I have been as usual reluctant to let them go... grasping like an infant with chubby hands,I am not fully convinced that doing so is a means of obedience and accepting God's best. The truth is giving up dreams hopes, planes and relationships as they have been just plain hurts. There's no avoiding the pain. Avoid it all you want, but your mind will eventually register with your heart which in a very real way feels like its literally hurting and breaking. We cannot stay here. We must get up and walk obedience to the calling has on our lives. His calling is too great and His love too compelling for me to sit by the way side. Yet as we continue onward, I know I should not but I am so very tempted to ask why. To beg Him to take it away. It all seems like too much to handle too much to bear. I want to escape it all. Run away and find meaning and purpose and healing. I remain silent and my heart becomes restless. I have hid it long enough, strength has worn weary & now everyone can see it on my countenance (I hate this).
I know very well the words of Augustine and take them to heart " You have made us for Yourself, Oh Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee. ..." The first "fun read" I began to celebrate the arrival of summer was H.G. Well's short story The Door in the Wall. I read it. Pondered it for a weekend & went to my very first book club with many a surface level observation to contribute. There, I concluded was where it would end. A dear friend had deemed it "soul stirring". I had believed her but reading it I wasn't moved. Monday, our book club refreshed my soul more than I can say. To be in the presence of a few kindred spirits I am honored to call my sisters, we talked of the book of life and of our "doors". Without hesitation, I could easily describe what I want to be on the other side of my door. My own description has haunted me all week. I cannot escape what I believe to be the vision the Lord has given me. For the longest time this has filled me with hope and joy as more and more the dream has been made clear. This week, however, it has become that which is the basis for so many fears. I know the answer to my restless heart lies only in God. I know that the answer to my refreshed spirit and renewed mind can only be found in Him. He alone should reside as my hope and vision.
At present, all this remains on the table, heavy on my heart and consistently pondered in my mind... more on "the door" to follow.