A Post About This Summer Soon to Come Friends!!

I know ... it is way over due and written in my head a thousand times... Look forward to sharing with you soon...

Finally, I understand. The purpose & pleasure of this summer.

For the past couple weeks that have been labeled for me "summer", I have been in truth, pouting. Tired of the mundane, I have even ceased to even fake satisfaction. In silence, I have held a heavy heart. My heart remains heavy still as I write, but ever so stubbornly and slowly ,I am coming to catch the vision of what God had in mind for this summer. Before the summer even started the spring ended with disappointments, the big ones that serve as serve as the memory stones of one's Jordan River. So I let another one go, another part of a beautiful dream, a dream not without purpose and glory. Having been forced to put down many a dream on the alter and having received the gift of lessons learned from the past, somewhere deep in my core I am convinced I serve a loving God and I must trust Him to be the judge of what is best for His glory in my life. Acceptance came, (is still coming?) but so came the summer. I can't explain why summer means so much to me but ever since receiving the Lord's calling on my life my life direction has been altered, the seasons have been purposeful and myself determined to stay on the path He has for me. For the past two years so much has happened, so much has changed. While I know not how it all came about (the Lord's doing) I also have ceased to look back. Summers have meant: huge lessons, huge life changing times where I have been completely and utterly dependent on the Lord.In doing so, He has brought the very greatest blessings of my life, the greatest relationships and has through them all shown me who I am. They have brought tears and heartache, they have brought desperation and exhaustion. They have brought my greatest joys, the deepest friendships, my greatest victories and "born-for" moments.
This summer, I knew my wander-loving heart would be in Columbia. I knew coming off of a year of being completely independent, that the budget would be immovable. Having traveled this spring, I told my heart to be grateful to be content and to rest in 1 Thessalonians five. I have and keep telling myself this each morning as I brush my teeth over and over crying out for contentment and a thankful heart. I do not want to taste bitterness or envy, I do not want to go about all summer with a heart that is longing for a home that is not here. I do not want to waste all the moments of this season of life because they do not fit my idea of "born for" moments. Determined, I have earnestly pleading short of demanding the Lord to show me the purpose of this season.
The Lord is patient with me. He's seen me this way before, only then I was pleading and sobbing on a plane begging Him to not let me get stuck in mediocrity, to not let me get stuck in the "good" in the "comfortable" in what is easy and ensnaring to my soul. ( He didn't & has in fact continued to bless me here with the arts community, with new friendships, with friends of other religions and passions, an internship and adventure in England and another in Italy) Since summer has begun,week by week, I have been humbled lower and lower. Proud with a disappointed heart, I did not want to return to humility. I thought I deserved another way that was never meant to be. Then came "need".
A light blub turned on this morning as I realized the common denominator. As I sought the answer to the question, " why does summer mean so very much to me? Why does something always shift in the depths of my soul during this time? Why am I so afraid of missing "my summer" this year?". While there are many answers to this question a huge one is need. Desperation. Humility. To me, at the heart of it, travel has always meant faith and humility. I have always sought the Lord trusted completely in His provision and watched Him move time after time. I trusted Him to get me to the destination and around in new cultures and new circumstances. I trusted Him in timing moment by moment. I trusted Him to bring the right person for me talk to on the bus or the words to say to speak into another's life. I trusted Him to provide the Holy Spirit for direction, I trusted Him for boldness, for determination, for rest, to guide my heart and mind and to walk in cadence with His spirit every step of the way. I trusted Him as I searched for pennies in Vienna because we were out of cash. He proved Himself faithful. I trusted Him for wisdom in finding someone their first Bible. I trusted Him to guide my heart compassion as I walked the streets that my flesh would so naturally gravitate to fear. I've seen Him allow me to step out in leadership and boldness more and more. I have watched Him change my heart before my very eyes as I gazed into the eyes of a homeless man in Florence, Italy and spoke the words that welled up with in my soul and love poured out. I have watched Him use the things I love as bridges into the lives of others. I don't want to lose these moments.
The gifts of faith and humility have been found again and with them come purpose and meaning to this summer. I have sought the Lord in faith for rent and decisions that need to be made. He has proven Himself faithful. Just this month, I have had many a moment that look very much like the street corner at the book store in Vienna and required the same amount of faith. In these moments, the joy and surprise of His faithfulness, wisdom and the power to make my heart content have proven true.
In regards to humility, God has succeeded in humbling my heart. I have come to the realization that I do not know what is best. That my heart is wicked and deceptive and selfish apart from Him, I am incapable of any good thing. In exhaustion, I have found there might be a regaining of my soul in the silence. In the quiet. In order to rest, I must slow down. This is the summer when things must be dealt with and restoration gained with my family whether I feel prepared and adequate for the task or not. In my hunger for growth, knowledge and challenge, I have discovered that sometimes simplicity is adequate and if I remain teachable, I will find it containing more than enough.
I have also found that in humility, you find community. I have found that as much as I like to always have everything all together there come moments and situations where I do not and to admit so is unavoidable. As much as I love giving to others and blessing others, I need to learn at times the joy of receiving and resting in God's provision that may come in an appearance different than I would have imagined.
Finally, I have learned, just today in fact that it is those moments where I have absolutely nothing left and in humility seek His wisdom, He opens a door of provision (for "just enough") and most of all for Him to receive the glory. He can and will receive all the glory if I am humble enough to be used and give it to Him and in fact, I will even get the joy of having another (the lady at the bank helping me with my account as we both find a total of $9 from various places) shout "Praise the Lord" along with me. These are the moments I would not expect to find here. Here in this town where I have been all too self sufficient. In this town, that I am so afraid to get "stuck" in. In this town, I find, I am growing. I am growing to love its History, its people, my people: the history of my family here, the people that now reside here: the Muslims the Buddhists the Presbyterians and Jews, the Homeless and the Politician, the faces I see and the people I am coming to know and love, as if for the very first time. Growth begins where you are placed. May my roots grow deep and I bear much fruit regardless of the pot I have been planted in. May I flourish in this humid southern town for however long the Lord has me here for His glory. I am thankful for all those live here, who share life with me and who color my world with diversity and beauty. My life is so much fuller because of you. Thank you.

And so the summer begins...

How odd that I only blog in the summer but it appears to be the theme so here it goes....the truth is I've wanted to write for a week. For a week I have welcomed summer. One week ago, I finished all my course work and read my very first "fun read" for the summer.
For the past two weeks, I have adjusted to my "Summer schedule" which consists of eight to five days lunch breaks and evenings to enjoy. I entered the summer with perspective, ambition, hope, expectation and a calender filled with goals projects and events, the combination of which I hoped would grow me into the person I hoped to become. Yet, the in the business I didn't have to face the realities my heart was experiencing. I was thankful to be helping friends pack and move and plan because in doing so my mind had little time to unwind or process the past three weeks. They have been huge. In the past twenty one days, I have said good-bye to friends so dear, pages have been turned on seasons of life and I have been as usual reluctant to let them go... grasping like an infant with chubby hands,I am not fully convinced that doing so is a means of obedience and accepting God's best. The truth is giving up dreams hopes, planes and relationships as they have been just plain hurts. There's no avoiding the pain. Avoid it all you want, but your mind will eventually register with your heart which in a very real way feels like its literally hurting and breaking. We cannot stay here. We must get up and walk obedience to the calling has on our lives. His calling is too great and His love too compelling for me to sit by the way side. Yet as we continue onward, I know I should not but I am so very tempted to ask why. To beg Him to take it away. It all seems like too much to handle too much to bear. I want to escape it all. Run away and find meaning and purpose and healing. I remain silent and my heart becomes restless. I have hid it long enough, strength has worn weary & now everyone can see it on my countenance (I hate this).
I know very well the words of Augustine and take them to heart " You have made us for Yourself, Oh Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee. ..." The first "fun read" I began to celebrate the arrival of summer was H.G. Well's short story The Door in the Wall. I read it. Pondered it for a weekend & went to my very first book club with many a surface level observation to contribute. There, I concluded was where it would end. A dear friend had deemed it "soul stirring". I had believed her but reading it I wasn't moved. Monday, our book club refreshed my soul more than I can say. To be in the presence of a few kindred spirits I am honored to call my sisters, we talked of the book of life and of our "doors". Without hesitation, I could easily describe what I want to be on the other side of my door. My own description has haunted me all week. I cannot escape what I believe to be the vision the Lord has given me. For the longest time this has filled me with hope and joy as more and more the dream has been made clear. This week, however, it has become that which is the basis for so many fears. I know the answer to my restless heart lies only in God. I know that the answer to my refreshed spirit and renewed mind can only be found in Him. He alone should reside as my hope and vision.
At present, all this remains on the table, heavy on my heart and consistently pondered in my mind... more on "the door" to follow.

Why I created this blog...

I "started this blog" ironically a year ago... & forgot about it... never posted it. The title "Art of Being" was inspired by what the Lord had been teaching me last summer. A year has gone by and though I have not posted its amazing to see the Lord having accomplished this in my life in the past year or at least progress... so I hope this will encourage you, my fellow readers ( if you are out there) and simply remain a place for my thoughts and the lessons I have learned & am still in the process of learning.
So what is this "Philosophy of Being"? It is what I wrote on a plane one year ago almost to the day... I wrote it as my friend and I were flying back from Prague. I had spent the most glorious month of my life in Slovakia teaching English in camps for youth, making wonderful friends & meeting the people that are forever a part of my heart.
My Philosphy of Being was mostly a prayer for God to continue the work that He had begun in my heart, to continually reveal to me the parts of my life that desperately needed His freedom & deliverance, and finally it was mostly the thoughts I was processing and a written declaration of the goals I had for the coming yer an the for the rest of my life.

Philosophy of Being

• Live in who I am
• Live fully in the present
• Living out of who God made me to be not trying to change myself to become anything
• Not trying to change to become who I think I should be or could be
• Not pleasing people and stepping into the boxes they have to put me back or or trying to become who they think I should be
• Not living out of who I have been or the boxes I have been placed in
• Not striving after what could be
• Being me
• Being who God created me to be this moment this day this season of life
• “Cease striving and know that I am God’
• It is out of this “being that I can be most effectively used for Christ and His kingdom
• Bringing all versions of myself under one
• Being more freely alive to God dead to the world…
• To be at peace with who God has created me to be, with full assurance that I can rest in Him to make me who I need to be, to weave together all the threads of the past and to use my present circumstances to be the Godly woman He desires me to be in the future

"Teach us to number our days that we may present to you a heart of worship" Ps. 90:12

The Long Awaited Blog Post England 2010

The Belated Story of Our Journey

May 23rd

Up until 2:50 am Packing, 500 days of summer track, thankful for the blessing of community & friends... began the journey b y attending the beautiful wedding, saying goodbye to dear friends and boarding a plane full of “very enthusiastic & not exactly sober” rugby players… to the delight of the passenger behind me a new record was reached…seven. Oh dear. After the plane safely landed adventures and faux pas began. It started with going into the wrong bathroom & concluded with my discovering a broken suitcase and vainly mourning the loss of my very favorite navy blue sandals.

Vanity was quickly shrug off. We were soon on the road and at the headquarters of CLC in PA where I was greeted by the other interns. After sigh of relief, a few texts & laughter we unpacked and prepared for the next couple days of orientation.

May 24th

The other interns and I began training. We learned about the history of CLC and enjoyed looking around the beautiful grounds… The trees were delightful reminding me of the trees Slovakia, Switzerland & Austria. It was amazingly cool and as rain came down we were able to tour the stone castle which felt like walking through a part of Narnia with the beautiful stone, brilliant dark wooden beams, fireplaces & history. We also were given a tour of the warehouse where books are collected and shipped worldwide.
(Bunny Trail: Coming away from our sessions and tour through headquarters reaffirmed in me the value of literature, the power of the written I read through a book I can easily buy or order online & even more agonizing and humbling is the horrifying truth of the number of days I push aside the opportunity to read scripture and dwell upon the written words of God. How often I prefer an extra hour of sleep or read Lewis, Yancey or Elisabeth Elliot with a cup of tea to meditating on the scriptures God breathed, writers penned…some investing their entire lives in transcribing and translating the scriptures. I neglect these moments that matter for eternity. I betray the moments which will prepare me for current and future ministry opportunities, for the plans God has for me by neglecting the written word.)
That evening we enjoyed a potluck supper where we were able to get to know everyone who had been so graciously walking through the entire process of applying and planning for this internship we were about to embark on. After the broken suitcase was exchanged ( thank you, Target), clothes repacked & movie watched we all said goodnight as we prepared for our last day in Philly

.

May 25th

We awoke to a day filled with adventures and touring. Fabulous sights seen include:
• Three CLC bookshops
• The Liberty Bell surrounded by an army of small children
• Hot dog stands
• A walk down signer’s walk
• Staircases

• Brick

• City stands

• People

• Restaurants
• A drive by viewing of older homes, lush parks, the famous LOVE sign, the huge art museum there
• A walk past Independence Hall & the grave yard behind it where Abigail Adams wrote to John “remember the ladies”
• Benjamin Franklin’s grave
• & the soon to be built Museum of Jewish History in America
Then exhausted yet anxious for the day ahead we all enjoyed sitting arou nd writing thankyou notes, watching a movie and taking turns as it began to hit each of us interns that “wow, we’re really going to England!!?!”

First thoughts waking on the plane as we left we saw the burnt orange & red sunset & as we got closer to our destination and awoke we were greeted by a golden sunrise & I was reminded that “Where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of praise”. After coffee & a muffin we landed and collected our luggage and proceeded through customs to sound track no. eight of 500 Days of Summer. Smiling & talking our way through we made it through customs and officially greeted England with perhaps overeager smiles. Proceeding onward we were soon met by Petra and Neil two of CLC workers in London. They were there to welcome us with hugs and smiles. After saying our goodbyes Megan Jackson & Jackson went with Petra while Lenae, Brian & I rode with Neil to Lenae’s flat in crystal palace. For all you who enjoy history, I might add that we arrived on the anniversary of the battle of Dunkirk.

All three of us crashed at Lenae’s lovely flat and neither wicker loveseat nor nap has ever been so enjoyed before. We were awoken by aloud buzzer. Being in a new country and being awaken from perhaps the deepest sleep any of the three of us had experienced in the past 48 hrs. the first thoughts included something like” what in the world is that… is that the fire alarm (it was LOUD) and finally the telephone and door bell were suggested…Brain had the wonderful sense to go unlock the door while Lenae & I watched then bc it is England of course it would have an incredibly cool but antique lock . Becoming overly excited as I do in “emergency situations” & or awoken from a dead sleep I proceeded to leap from the wicker loveseat, over the coffee table to the door which we proceeded to get successfully open and bounding down the stairs where three other locks were inspected to be greeted by Neil our favorite Scottish CLC worker who informed us we could join him and his wife for a bit of lunch. We were greeted by wonderful English hospitality and the most delicious homemade burgers his wife had prepared. It was a quite lunch as we were contentedly eating & greatly feeling the effects of jet lag. There we also met Paul the manager of the Canterbury bookshop. Lenae and I returned to her flat to nap before I went to Welling where I would be interning.

There in Welling we arrived at the bookshop where I met the woman who would be hosting me. Saying goodbye to Neil & Lenae, I was soon on my way to Monica’s home where we enjoyed a dinner of salmon green beans carrots and potatoes and She being an English teacher introduced me to the story of Les Miserables, a story of law & grace. That night I also met the pastor of the local church there in Welling, Terri who popped in for coffee & conversation.

The next day Terri was kind enough to take me to the post office where I received my first British pounds & purchased an oyster card for travel. Also I was delighted to enjoy my first time in an English grocery store. For any of you who know me best, I love grocery shopping. Especially in other countries there can be nothing more delightful. Somehow one can learn so much in those experiences. It is there in the market that one discovers the similarities and differences one has with the culture he or she is experiencing. (It is also here that one can hear familiar tunes that remind you of a dear friend.) Also I love discovering new things, new products and new types of food. After that I joined Terri on one of his “visits” to those of his church that are homebound. Before joining him on his visit I was allowed the privileged of seeing his amazing library and gorgeous red geraniums. (They were the largest I have seen in my entire life). I was able to behold his incredible books including a special edition by Luther Himself in German published during Luther’s lifetime somewhere around 1337…published by Calvin in Italy. I loved seeing his beautiful leather-bound books and was overly delighted to see Wingram who (as all of you CIU’ers can agree…has become a good friend to us all). Much to my delight other lexicons in Hebrew & Greek were recognized that we use at school. I was also privileged to see his dissertation.

It was a blessing to get to visit with him with Monica’s brother Jeff. He is a major admirer of Surrealist Salvador Dali’s work, sports and Nicky Gumball. The three of us enjoyed a wonderful time of conversation. It was fun to revisit the memories of last summer as I shared my experience with Salvador Dali as Katie & I had visited his gallery in Prague only to be greeted by many non originals… interesting work but none-the-less disappointing to the art lover who jumps with joy at the sight of paint sticking off of a canvas.

Photos Summer 09, Prague

I was equally excited when the conversation shifted to a quote Terri had once shared with Jeff… not recalling its original orientation we rolled the words over and over in our minds until I exclaimed Milton! Much to my Senior English teacher’s delight (If she ever read this) I exclaimed that it was Indeed Milton, author of Paradise Lost & Paradise Regained who penned the words: “those who serve him best …those who only stand and wait”.

Here is the original:
When I consider how my light is spent Ere half my days in this dark world and wide, And that one talent which is death to hide Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent To serve therewith my Maker, and present My true account, lest he returning chide, "Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?" I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent That murmur, soon replies: "God doth not need Either man's work or his own gifts: who best Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed And post o'er land and ocean without rest: They also serve who only stand and wait."

Finally the afternoon visit ended with conversations of cricket, rugby and the world cup.
Also discovered in the small borough of London in the city center is part of the roman road & also near to the home I stayed in, is the road for which Daniel Defoe is based off of in Robinson Crusoe.
Before joining Terri & His wife & others for a gathering at their home Monica introduced me to Rupert Brooke who wrote “These I have loved”

These I have loved:
White plates and cups, clean-gleaming,
Ringed with blue lines; and feathery, faery dust;
Wet roofs, beneath the lamp-light; the strong crust
Of friendly bread; and many-tasting food;
Rainbows; and the blue bitter smoke of wood;
And radiant raindrops couching in cool flowers;
And flowers themselves, that sway through sunny hours,
Dreaming of moths that drink them under the moon;
Then, the cool kindliness of sheets, that soon
Smooth away trouble; and the rough male kiss
Of blankets; grainy wood; live hair that is
Shining and free; blue-massing clouds; the keen
Unpassioned beauty of a great machine;
The benison of hot water; furs to touch;
The good smell of old clothes; and other such
The comfortable smell of friendly fingers,
Hair's fragrance, and the musty reek that lingers
About dead leaves and last year's ferns...
Dear names,
And thousand other throng to me! Royal flames;
Sweet water's dimpling laugh from tap or spring;
Holes in the groud; and voices that do sing;
Voices in laughter, too; and body's pain,
Soon turned to peace; and the deep-panting train;
Firm sands; the little dulling edge of foam
That browns and dwindles as the wave goes home;
And washen stones, gay for an hour; the cold
Graveness of iron; moist black earthen mould;
Sleep; and high places; footprints in the dew;
And oaks; and brown horse-chestnuts, glossy-new;
And new-peeled sticks; and shining pools on grass;
All these have been my loves. And these shall pass,
Whatever passes not, in the great hour,
Nor all my passion, all my prayers, have power
To hold them with me through the gate of Death.
They'll play deserter, turn with the traitor breath,
Break the high bond we made, and sell Love's trust
And sacramented covenant to the dust.
- Oh, never a doubt but, somewhere, I shall wake,
And give what's left of love again, and make
New friends, now strangers...
But the best I've known
Stays here, and changes, breaks, grows old, is blown
About the winds of the world, and fades from brains
Of living men, and dies.
Nothing remains.
O dear my loves, O faithless, once again
This one last gift I give: that after men
Shall know, and later lovers, far-removed,
Praise you, "All these were lovely"; say "He loved".

Rupert Brooke was an Englishman who served in WWI, was a writer and died at a young age.We then went to drive through Welling to see Morrison’s grocery store, walked on the dock overlooking the River Thames & walked through the bluebells, woods & lush grass of a local park. Oh the English know how to keep and enjoy a park. (South Carolinians, take note, your parks do no compare).

That evening we went to Terri & his wife Debbie’s home where I meet many members of their church. I instantly felt comfortable conversing wine and geraniums about England travels, literature, schools and politics. My love for books, art, literature, Europe, traveling, music, movies, BBC, Jane Austen, Romans, C.S. Lewis,& Harper Lee helped me to feel instantly at home in the many conversations that were had. It was there I got to hold baby Jo-Jo the sweetest baby who is living with a family in the church & share a most delicious cheese cake (whose ingredients include: a gingersnap crust, cottage cheese and pineapple.. the recipe, yes please! Don’t worry the quest is currently underway).
The next day I awoke for my first day in the shop. It amazes me having only been in England a couple days I marveled at the way I had already had the opportunity to share my testimony so many times. I also marveled at Lord’s working in my heart over certain issues I had been struggling with during the semester. It is amazing how being outside of one’s culture instantly reminds one of just who he or she is and what he or she is on mission to do. In the telling of my testimony and even recent events of the semester I was relieved to discover the Lord’ goodness and faithfulness as He allowed the words to come forth with grace…

It’s a wonderful gift of peace that God gives when you find yourself out side of your comfort zone and yet you can feel at home and at peace with the season the Lord has called you to and placed you in. It is a gift.
From my journal entry that day :“This is a gift. I am thankful for the prayers being lifted up, humbled, thankful and blessed.”
Reading that night I was encouraged by the words of Joseph Addison, 1712 (after Psalm 19)

“ The unwearied sun from day to day does his creators power display and publishes to every land the work of an almighty hand”

To behold the working of the almighty hand of God is a gift.
I was also reminded by the example of C.S. Lewis, who delighted to be called Jack by those He was close to ( I love His work…I think If we had had the chance to know one another we would have been quite good friends so I will call him Jack)
It was said that he “wrote with deliberate complexity & richness”
I am aware that there entries are incredibly long and full of details that only I would find fascinating… so thankful for your patience in advance ( feel free to skim on)

May 29th

Began with the powerful reminder of Romans 1 and the incredible heart of Paul for those he ministered to...then with after a quick cup of coffee (one blessing of instant coffee is that it is blessing when one is in a hurry to catch their morning bus). Boarding the double-decker 89, I was on my way to the shop. I learned a lot my first days in the shop… mainly taking in everything, studing the shelves and familiarizing myself with the titles, authors and locations of the various types of books offered in the shop.
I was delighted when customers came in that day & I could instantly recognize a title or author from my own readings and could supply the remaining information they needed… Corrie ten Boom’s Tramp for the Lord & Stormie Omartin’s Power of a Praying Woman where included among these moments of enthusiasm. Familiar commentaries like Grutem where spotted, translations of the bible & instantly I sighed. I was at home.
It was a pleasure to get to meet others who volunteer in the CLC shop in Welling. Luke & Fern were both helpful in making me feel at home and get accustomed to the register and patient with me as I familiarized myself with the currency. I was estatic with fellow CIU’er Kristen Richardson came into the shop to visit recognizing her I ran from behind the counter and practically tackeled her in a hug. I as so excited to see her and her a fellow American’s accent. Don’t get me wrong, I love the English accent very much and wish myself that I could speak in the “proper English way” but then again isn’t here something in all of us that rejoices in the familiar …in the accent that is like our own in a country different from our own no matter how much we may love it & enjoy being there? She graciously brought me “must have” English treats ( thank you so much Kristen!! ) and invited me to a BBQ. My first Saturday in the shop I also experienced the delightful biscuit and tea break that is often had (if the customers slow down) Ahhh tea breaks… a brilliant custom to adopt!
A glimpse into my journal before I began the following blog entry:
“Its humbling to be dependent on others & having to continuously ask for help…that is so unlike me… to be calm and let customers rattle on or hurry me… so unlike me to be easier on my self and accept correction & to demonstrate patience with others”
Interesting bus ride home which prompted me to write the entry below:

Blog Written May 29th

Where do I begin… it seems funny how much life can change in a week you go places that are quite different and more wonderful than you imagined and you come to kindred spirits you could not imagined life without or you can’t imagine never having known them before… It is surreal to find yourself in a place both in actual place and stage in life in which you could have never imagined one year ago. That is where you find me tonight…
For the first time in my life I am not sure what I am feeling. Life has been going by so quickly in these past months & yet life is so very full of the Lords blessings. He keeps pouring out His greatest blessings through the people He has placed in my life and He continues to do this in ways I could have never imagined. My heart so very full that I am utterly convinced the Lord intends to enlarge it because I find my heart in so many places. My heart is with all those the Lord has blessed me with at CIU. You have become my family, my church & the dearest friends closest to my heart. You each have played a part in bringing me to where I am today. Though we are all in so many places this summer, we are still together before the throne of God our father who is molding us and shaping us, calling to stand and go out as the equipped men and women He has called us to become. I miss you all. My heart is in and with those of Slovakia. Beautiful Slovakia how my heart longs to return to you, to be with you who have become so dear, to dance, laugh & cry together… to walk the cobbled stones streets of Kosice or Bratislava, to walk in the woods so cool & filled with queens Anne’s lace, to pull cherries from your trees, to hike with precious friends and ride along miles and miles of nothing but intoxicating sunflowers gold black and green.

Slovakia 2009

Tonight however I find my heart in beautiful England. The Lord has called me to great faith in trusting him for financial provisions for this trip. It has been a struggle but He has given me His peace and continues to reveal Himself in His daily sustaining grace. In light of eternity, I have been richly blessed with the honor and privileged of seeing Gods grace lavishly poured out through the people I have met on this journey. Amidst the disappointments Gods gift of relationships overwhelmingly conquers. In the end people are what truly matter in this world. It is remarkable how God can change one’s heart for His purposes. The scars that have long haunted you no longer have power for Christ has conquered and those scars have indeed become your testimony. It is amazing how the people that have impacted your life and mean the most to you have been allowed to be taken away from you for a short season only to find them back again and all the more precious because you know they can be none other than a gift from the Lord.
This is a season of growing up, a season of making choices by faith to the glory of God. Some choices in my own ignorance and pride would not have made. Yet the Lord knew better and now I stand shaking my head amazed because He truly knows better. Wherever you are, whatever season of life you are in knows that He has a plan & while this sounds like a great theory and a great line I promise you from the bottom of my heart that the Lord has you in His hand. He sees what is best for His glory and for you as His child. He longs to draw you to himself. So fight, scream if you must but in the end know you will come into the beautiful season of a toddler, when the tantrum is over and the tears are drying your cries are silenced and all you can hear is the beating of your father’s heart as you place your tired head upon his chest. Weeping comes in the night but joy truly does come in the morning. As painful as the season may be in your life you will wake up one day to find your joy restored. You will wake up and your heart will no longer hurt. There will be sunlight. Hope. If you surrender and obey you will discover the Lords abundant grace through the people He brings along your way. It may come in a group of friends who have surrounded you like family and who love you for who you truly are. It may come in the form an incredibly dear friend, new adventures you have waited your whole life to experience yet never having the capacity to imagine something as wonderful as the gift the Lord allowed to unfold in His precious timing. It may come in the climbing of trees and the inexpressible joy that comes when you experience the “morning” … the sort of happiness that makes you want to twirl in fields of daisies, sing to the Italian hills or blissfully shout amongst the red tulips, red cows and Alps of Switzerland. For you it may be different but hold on friend, it will come!

Switzerland, 2005

Growing up this year has meant choosing joy, choosing God’s choice, choosing contentment in the now, choosing that which is good and promotes growth over what is comfortable and would allow me more control. One of these choices the Lord led me to was England. For this I am thankful. I don’t have understand it or even be worthy of receiving it, I just have to remain in surrender to the Father and as a very dear friend said, “not be afraid to live the life has called me to live”.
I know this is the point where you may become bored with all of this but I have to say I did not see how I could tell you what God is doing here in England if I did not also praise the God who has been so faithful to me in this past year. How can I tell what is happening now if you know not the heart that beats behind the actions of today.
England so far…
I have now settled into Welling, England. The Lord blessed us with a send off that required faith, a journey that revealed His power, goodness & working and an arrival that was utter proof that the Lord knows best. He knows where to place you where you fit best. It is this experience that gives me assurance that the Lord longs me to grasp this not for this summer only but for a lifetime. He alone knows the place where I will serve Him best He alone knows best who I am most suited to love for a lifetime and serve Him with. He alone knows the reasons behind all the funny quirky things about me…. All this knowledge rests in the canopy and protection of His love. I have only need to delight in His presence and seek His face with all of my heart, soul, mind & strength.
In a new place with new things to daily experience the Lord has graciously given me gifts off the familiar. A favorite song playing in the grocery store, flowers and lush fields of grass that delight the soul, friends that you feel you have known all your life. Conversations of art, theology, literature, films, artists, art, and music have been the gifts of the familiar. I have begun life in Welling with a delightful host who is truly a kindred spirit and amazing woman of God. I have also begun working in the shop.

Artist in Orchard, England 2010.

In fact, today was my first day to greet the people of Welling with my horribly American accent and overeager smile. A day in a bookstore filled with wonderful treasures…bound pages with the accounts of the lives and testimonies that have shaped the life of the church are enough to make me squeal in utter delight. It was a day of learning the difference of pounds and pence, English tea, and a continuous stream of new faces to greet. It was a day that humbled me as grace upon grace I received from the Lord help from others I am inadequate to ever be worthy of deserving.
I know I have painted a picture of lush green grass, double decker buses, earl grey tea and wonderful accents. I have added the highlights of a smooth transition, fellowship and provision. This is an adequate painting but I must tell you this would no be the masterpiece God intends to display if I did not share with you the struggles of my own heart. I would do an injustice the Lord, you and myself if I left out the moments that make me question...if I left out the moments that seized my heart that weren’t pleasant. Those moments that make me wrestle in the depths of my soul as to the Lord’s allowing…. I question how a precious baby could ever be unwanted, how a foster family so loving could ever be denied the honor of adopting the son they have loved each day they have known him. I question how I could sit on a plane for seven hours and not share the truth of the gospel with the couple next to me because I was afraid or they did not want to talk. I question how the Lord could allow a toddler to sit in a stroller drinking his bottle of formula as the bus lurches forward while his drunk father drinks vodka so greedily it sloshes on the boy who is unaware of the sort of life He is been born into.
This isn’t a canvas I want to say is finished and stop with the pleasant landscape. It is not a canvas I can walk away from because things got a little messy or because the image allows pain and brokenness to be communicated to the viewer. Rather this is a masterpiece the Lord designed. He holds the brush. He will add to this canvas as to my days as He sees fit. He is the one who will show me the way. He is the one who adds the paint and builds until His work is finished. There may be layers and layers of growth, of joys and hardships of struggles and moments of delight. Yet stepping back, one sees all the layers of paint and smiles with pleasure. All praise goes to the Painter. It will be He that completes the work not I.
So I step willing into tomorrow, assured God is at work. Relying on His guidance and growing, relying on Him to hold my precious memories when I would want to hold on tight, I trust Him with the future I am so tempted to control, I trust Him with the present. I approach Him for contentment for today and confidence in His perfect plan. I trust Him with those most dearest to my heart, I trust Him with those I do not know. I trust Him because to whom else would I go.
I pray dear friends that whatever this summer has brought you: pain, hurt despair, discouragement, joy, bliss, exhilaration, questioning, searching or simply being that you find yourselves in the arms of the Beloved. I pray that you will let Him hold you and guide you. I pray that you will know His peace that quells all anxious thoughts & waiting hearts.

Sunday May 30th

Hot cross Buns, Coffee & off to Trinity Baptist Church with Monica and her son Matt. It was great to recognize people from the previous event at Terri & Debbie’s home as well as others I had met in the shop. I also met another girl Emma who I instantly liked. The sermon was given by a guest speaker since Terri & Debbie had gone away on holiday. Micah 7:8 was the text.
“Rejoice not over me, o my enemy, when I fall I shall rise, when I sit in darkness the LORD will be a light to me” .
The Lord delights in steadfast love. Micah 7:18.
Interestingly enough, Micah 7:8 was Charles Spurgeon’s (well known & beloved in England especially London) favorite verse as He struggled with depression. This greatly encouraged my heart.
God delights in showing mercy.
This is also the verse quoted in Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress.
It is encouraging to be reminded of these truths. That Jesus was a man acquainted with grief & sorrows...that we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. That sometimes we struggle but the Lord is our light…he is there with us… he’s there going through the “muck” with us& he will bring us out of it.
After lunch the afternoon was spent visiting Danson Park beautiful park where people where flying kits, dogs roamed free, children enjoyed a local carnival, swans had babies, boys learned to ride their bikes, trees grew and stood in their magnificent beauty and sandals were abandoned as we walked through the lush green grass.

On this day we also stopped by the Red House which is owned by the National Trust it is a home Christiana Rossetti often visited equipped with incredible peonies ( my favorite next to poppies) a wishing tree, brick walkway and garden.
Oh the delights of England: buttercups, daisies, forget me nots, blue bells, peonies, poppies, geraniums, daisies, willows, chestnut trees, ivy, moss, thatched roofs…


Thankful for this present season, thankful for the friends the Lord has put in my life …how I long to serve and be a blessing in Monica’s home, in the Shop & in Welling. I love the food (tonight dinner…chicken with apples and bacon in a cream sauce with squash zucchini and broccoli.)
Heart’s desire: to become more comfortable independent and confident in the culture and in who the Lord is desiring me to become. A desire to be shown the place the Lord has for me in Welling.
Today… praying the Lord would help me not to be distracted by thoughts of what is not but to be faithful to what He has put before me … to learn contentment here I am now and to thrive in this present season in order that I be prepared for the next.

Monday May 31st

Today was a bank holiday as well as half term for Monica so we went into London. We took a train into London where we saw the London Bridge, waterloo station, Trafalgar Square, The new Ship in a bottle that is in Trafalgar Square, The National Portrait Gallery, St. Martin’s in the Fields the crypt and the St. John’s Bible that they are transcribing in Calligraphy and adding beautiful art. It is exquisite. We also went to Camden Lock Market where we enjoyed a delicious lunch. We tried food from Turkey and Israel…it was a close call but I opted for the delicious Turkish kebob in a wrap made with a warm homemade tortilla right there in front of you the dough was rolled out and baked into a thin layer of goodness as chicken grilled perfectly spiced lettuce added tomatoes added and a delicious yogurt and dill sauce poured over it all it was carefully wrapped and served with a charming smile. It was also brought joy to my heart to take in the diversity of people in London. People with piercings, tattoos, hair colors of pink and blue playing music alongside the street (oh the beauty of diversity, anyone want to plant a church here?) people from everywhere talking with girls and guys from France, scarves and conversations with the girl who made them… haggling for a hat and a delightful second hand book store (a dangerous place for me to venture but we were so hungry so I only had a little time here and found a cihldren’s book called “the bear hunt” … which brings back wonderful memories of last summer in Kosice ( Yes, Miriam & Veve… I was thinking of you when this purchase was made) as well as memories of our precious AWANA four year olds & how Stacey and I can recite it in our sleep with full on sound effects….
How I love London…I love the cobblestone, the bridges, the fashion, the diverse styles of people. I love how tourist all recognize one another by our painfully obvious maps and London 2010 books.

The National Portrait Gallery was also visited and I stood with other overeager visitors to gaze at the portraits of : James Joyce ( Summer 2009), Beatrix Potter (Dearly loved) William Wilberforce and his friend Sarah who worked tirelessly for his bill and office, Andy Warhol’s four installations of The Queen, Virginia Woolf, T.S. Elliot and more … I loved the one of Wilberforce in particular it was brilliant as three mediums were used including charcoal and paint … loved it!

June 1st – 5th
( life got busy…)

Blog Written June 6th

Dear friends,
Tomorrow will mark two weeks of my being here. It still feels I have been here for a much longer period of time. In the past week since I last wrote I have been able to make many new friends. I continue on my daily commute to the shop and have enjoyed seeing the diversity of people even in this small borough of Welling and Bexley Heath. Things have been going well in the shop. Like I fish to water I instantly saw books that I love, music that has encouraged my heart and the writings of Elliot, Tozer, Yancey, Grutem & Stott that immediately made me feel I was among friends. Though it is a smaller store in a smaller borough I have been amazed at the many opportunities the Lord has given as shoppers come in. I wanted to weep after selling someone their very first bible. I have been humbled by others who are hungry for the word of God and come in the shop in search of guidance. It has been an honor to get to know so many who open up and share of where they are at. Whether they are looking for a bible for a family member or friend ( some buying their relatives their very firsts bibles), in need of the perfect card to give to a grieving friend, or buying material to take on their mission trips to Africa, it has been amazing to serve them and be entrusted with their stories. I have met one man who celebrated his 91st birthday this week, another precious lady who is deaf and I was able to talk with her in sign language although British Sign Language is different than American Sign Language many of the signs are the same or similar and many new ones we taught each other. She had just spoken at a deaf conference in the area the day before and coming in she found a book on display that confirmed the very message she has shared with everyone the day before. Also coming through our shop I have met one woman who was considering buying a flat (apartment) in the area and a visit to our shop was just the confirmation she needed. So many pop in our store delighted to find a Christian bookshop in the area rather than browsing the pages of amazon’s website. One such individual came in, after having been in this country for five short months found our store and shared all about how the Lord had brought her here, how He has been using her in the lives of the youth in this area and also shared an important prayer request that weighed heavily on our hearts as she shared. These may not sound like brilliant strides for the kingdom of God but I have been reminded of how it’s the daily trusting and the faithful steps by which our Savior leads. Its in the not knowing who is going to walk in the door. Its in the meeting of each individual and being open to what they may share or what they may come in needing. I is incredibly humbling to realize that the words you say can touch a life, how others can speak truth into your own life and minister to you in areas in which you were struggling far greater than anything you could ever repay. Its remarkable the impact literature does have bringing a community together, impacting the lives of individuals and how one book or one bible has the potential to be the channel that the Lord would choose to touch an individual, to impact a marriage, a child, a family, a church, a community, a country and the nations. The Kingdom of God in all its diversity and unity is a beautiful thing to behold even from this small borough in England. Oh the glorious day that we shall see fully even know as we are fully known… we will see the glory of God brilliantly displayed among the nations.
On a lesser scale it has seemed that these past two weeks have afforded almost daily adventures here including:
• bus rides
• train rides & connections
• rides on the underground
• visits to John Stott’s All Souls Church in London
• visits to the National Portrait Gallery
• Tasting Turkish food ( delightful) & traditional English dishes
• A punt down the river Cam
• Tea in an apple orchard
• Walking through St. James Park
• Seeing the exterior of Westminster Cathedral
• Big Ben
• Riding the Underground
• Visiting Portobello Road and Notting Hill Gate
• The sighting of Hare Krishna sect, Muslims and Buddhist & Jews in London
• A trip through the national portrait gallery
• Learning that almost everything closes at 6 pm
• The learning of many new English words or phrases
Transportation
So far I have taken just about every mode of non eccentric transportation minus personally riding a bike or moped/scooter/motorcycle.
I have enjoyed walking & riding in buses, automobiles, trains, planes, boat & taxi. ( & of course the underground which is so delightful it deserves its own title rather than lumping it in the train category.
Diversity:
People from Africa Asia Middle Eastern Old Young Deaf Hearing Mothers Nannies Single Old & Married & still in love Young & quarreling Older than 90 & still up & about Younger than 50 & home bound The University student, the Retiree, Musician, Businessman, Indian man with turban gray beard coveralls and wheel barrow full of mortar repairing a wall Muslims Jews Hare Kishrinas Buddhist Atheist Gay Straight Cashier DJ Pastor Foster Parent Expectant Women Engaged & Divorcee Artesian & Shopkeeper

Life

post June 6th through June 13th/14th came home ( Post to come...)