Finally, I understand. The purpose & pleasure of this summer.

For the past couple weeks that have been labeled for me "summer", I have been in truth, pouting. Tired of the mundane, I have even ceased to even fake satisfaction. In silence, I have held a heavy heart. My heart remains heavy still as I write, but ever so stubbornly and slowly ,I am coming to catch the vision of what God had in mind for this summer. Before the summer even started the spring ended with disappointments, the big ones that serve as serve as the memory stones of one's Jordan River. So I let another one go, another part of a beautiful dream, a dream not without purpose and glory. Having been forced to put down many a dream on the alter and having received the gift of lessons learned from the past, somewhere deep in my core I am convinced I serve a loving God and I must trust Him to be the judge of what is best for His glory in my life. Acceptance came, (is still coming?) but so came the summer. I can't explain why summer means so much to me but ever since receiving the Lord's calling on my life my life direction has been altered, the seasons have been purposeful and myself determined to stay on the path He has for me. For the past two years so much has happened, so much has changed. While I know not how it all came about (the Lord's doing) I also have ceased to look back. Summers have meant: huge lessons, huge life changing times where I have been completely and utterly dependent on the Lord.In doing so, He has brought the very greatest blessings of my life, the greatest relationships and has through them all shown me who I am. They have brought tears and heartache, they have brought desperation and exhaustion. They have brought my greatest joys, the deepest friendships, my greatest victories and "born-for" moments.
This summer, I knew my wander-loving heart would be in Columbia. I knew coming off of a year of being completely independent, that the budget would be immovable. Having traveled this spring, I told my heart to be grateful to be content and to rest in 1 Thessalonians five. I have and keep telling myself this each morning as I brush my teeth over and over crying out for contentment and a thankful heart. I do not want to taste bitterness or envy, I do not want to go about all summer with a heart that is longing for a home that is not here. I do not want to waste all the moments of this season of life because they do not fit my idea of "born for" moments. Determined, I have earnestly pleading short of demanding the Lord to show me the purpose of this season.
The Lord is patient with me. He's seen me this way before, only then I was pleading and sobbing on a plane begging Him to not let me get stuck in mediocrity, to not let me get stuck in the "good" in the "comfortable" in what is easy and ensnaring to my soul. ( He didn't & has in fact continued to bless me here with the arts community, with new friendships, with friends of other religions and passions, an internship and adventure in England and another in Italy) Since summer has begun,week by week, I have been humbled lower and lower. Proud with a disappointed heart, I did not want to return to humility. I thought I deserved another way that was never meant to be. Then came "need".
A light blub turned on this morning as I realized the common denominator. As I sought the answer to the question, " why does summer mean so very much to me? Why does something always shift in the depths of my soul during this time? Why am I so afraid of missing "my summer" this year?". While there are many answers to this question a huge one is need. Desperation. Humility. To me, at the heart of it, travel has always meant faith and humility. I have always sought the Lord trusted completely in His provision and watched Him move time after time. I trusted Him to get me to the destination and around in new cultures and new circumstances. I trusted Him in timing moment by moment. I trusted Him to bring the right person for me talk to on the bus or the words to say to speak into another's life. I trusted Him to provide the Holy Spirit for direction, I trusted Him for boldness, for determination, for rest, to guide my heart and mind and to walk in cadence with His spirit every step of the way. I trusted Him as I searched for pennies in Vienna because we were out of cash. He proved Himself faithful. I trusted Him for wisdom in finding someone their first Bible. I trusted Him to guide my heart compassion as I walked the streets that my flesh would so naturally gravitate to fear. I've seen Him allow me to step out in leadership and boldness more and more. I have watched Him change my heart before my very eyes as I gazed into the eyes of a homeless man in Florence, Italy and spoke the words that welled up with in my soul and love poured out. I have watched Him use the things I love as bridges into the lives of others. I don't want to lose these moments.
The gifts of faith and humility have been found again and with them come purpose and meaning to this summer. I have sought the Lord in faith for rent and decisions that need to be made. He has proven Himself faithful. Just this month, I have had many a moment that look very much like the street corner at the book store in Vienna and required the same amount of faith. In these moments, the joy and surprise of His faithfulness, wisdom and the power to make my heart content have proven true.
In regards to humility, God has succeeded in humbling my heart. I have come to the realization that I do not know what is best. That my heart is wicked and deceptive and selfish apart from Him, I am incapable of any good thing. In exhaustion, I have found there might be a regaining of my soul in the silence. In the quiet. In order to rest, I must slow down. This is the summer when things must be dealt with and restoration gained with my family whether I feel prepared and adequate for the task or not. In my hunger for growth, knowledge and challenge, I have discovered that sometimes simplicity is adequate and if I remain teachable, I will find it containing more than enough.
I have also found that in humility, you find community. I have found that as much as I like to always have everything all together there come moments and situations where I do not and to admit so is unavoidable. As much as I love giving to others and blessing others, I need to learn at times the joy of receiving and resting in God's provision that may come in an appearance different than I would have imagined.
Finally, I have learned, just today in fact that it is those moments where I have absolutely nothing left and in humility seek His wisdom, He opens a door of provision (for "just enough") and most of all for Him to receive the glory. He can and will receive all the glory if I am humble enough to be used and give it to Him and in fact, I will even get the joy of having another (the lady at the bank helping me with my account as we both find a total of $9 from various places) shout "Praise the Lord" along with me. These are the moments I would not expect to find here. Here in this town where I have been all too self sufficient. In this town, that I am so afraid to get "stuck" in. In this town, I find, I am growing. I am growing to love its History, its people, my people: the history of my family here, the people that now reside here: the Muslims the Buddhists the Presbyterians and Jews, the Homeless and the Politician, the faces I see and the people I am coming to know and love, as if for the very first time. Growth begins where you are placed. May my roots grow deep and I bear much fruit regardless of the pot I have been planted in. May I flourish in this humid southern town for however long the Lord has me here for His glory. I am thankful for all those live here, who share life with me and who color my world with diversity and beauty. My life is so much fuller because of you. Thank you.

And so the summer begins...

How odd that I only blog in the summer but it appears to be the theme so here it goes....the truth is I've wanted to write for a week. For a week I have welcomed summer. One week ago, I finished all my course work and read my very first "fun read" for the summer.
For the past two weeks, I have adjusted to my "Summer schedule" which consists of eight to five days lunch breaks and evenings to enjoy. I entered the summer with perspective, ambition, hope, expectation and a calender filled with goals projects and events, the combination of which I hoped would grow me into the person I hoped to become. Yet, the in the business I didn't have to face the realities my heart was experiencing. I was thankful to be helping friends pack and move and plan because in doing so my mind had little time to unwind or process the past three weeks. They have been huge. In the past twenty one days, I have said good-bye to friends so dear, pages have been turned on seasons of life and I have been as usual reluctant to let them go... grasping like an infant with chubby hands,I am not fully convinced that doing so is a means of obedience and accepting God's best. The truth is giving up dreams hopes, planes and relationships as they have been just plain hurts. There's no avoiding the pain. Avoid it all you want, but your mind will eventually register with your heart which in a very real way feels like its literally hurting and breaking. We cannot stay here. We must get up and walk obedience to the calling has on our lives. His calling is too great and His love too compelling for me to sit by the way side. Yet as we continue onward, I know I should not but I am so very tempted to ask why. To beg Him to take it away. It all seems like too much to handle too much to bear. I want to escape it all. Run away and find meaning and purpose and healing. I remain silent and my heart becomes restless. I have hid it long enough, strength has worn weary & now everyone can see it on my countenance (I hate this).
I know very well the words of Augustine and take them to heart " You have made us for Yourself, Oh Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee. ..." The first "fun read" I began to celebrate the arrival of summer was H.G. Well's short story The Door in the Wall. I read it. Pondered it for a weekend & went to my very first book club with many a surface level observation to contribute. There, I concluded was where it would end. A dear friend had deemed it "soul stirring". I had believed her but reading it I wasn't moved. Monday, our book club refreshed my soul more than I can say. To be in the presence of a few kindred spirits I am honored to call my sisters, we talked of the book of life and of our "doors". Without hesitation, I could easily describe what I want to be on the other side of my door. My own description has haunted me all week. I cannot escape what I believe to be the vision the Lord has given me. For the longest time this has filled me with hope and joy as more and more the dream has been made clear. This week, however, it has become that which is the basis for so many fears. I know the answer to my restless heart lies only in God. I know that the answer to my refreshed spirit and renewed mind can only be found in Him. He alone should reside as my hope and vision.
At present, all this remains on the table, heavy on my heart and consistently pondered in my mind... more on "the door" to follow.